:)

:)

Just a small update on how it´s going.

Gathered the mental strenght to flash my body at the beach twice this weekend. I haven´t been to the beach in my own country in …atleast 5 years. So. That was rather amazing.

I don´t have a bikini as I havent been able to find a top that fits- not that im that big but i do have  full and heavy breasts. When I looked at other women on the beach, I noticed i was not the only one having to lie on the beach in a bra and/or a small top over it. I think it´s realy sad for us fuller women that we just can´t find a bikini with a bra that can hold large breasts…

In any case it didn´t stop me from going to the beach and I am proud of my self

I even had an ice cream- 99 calorie one. This is realy the key. To look for foods that one can eat and NOT feel like one is missing out on life. Personally I love food- good food- good ingredients. I RARELYYYYYY eat junk food and much prefer a fresh piece of salmon steak with a healthy salad.

My period has arrived so my weight is a bit up and down. So is my craving for sweet stuff. So far I have managed to eat a small piece of chocolate or that low fat ice cream…

Tomorrow I am going back to work after a month of vacation. I am dreading our cafereria because there is so much good stuff. My strategy is to stick to the saladbar, stick to low fat meat and just to THINK when i fill my plate.. It will be a true test, i just have to get past it as difficult as it may be.

Also i gotta stop drinking those hot chocolates from the machine, no more of the cookies and all that stuff we got lying around. The worst is people bring sweetsand candy for all the workers…so i realy gotta keep my focus. LOL. Im laughing a bit cause I think there are so many people who have NO CLUE how difficult it is to diet…surrounded by temptation…

Id rather skip all the candy so I can enjoy a good steak and a glass of red wine

Anyhow- on with it!!!!!!!!!!!

Am back. Again. Damn. I just cant seem to escape the 90´s..

…Im going for a new goal.

I weighed in wednesday at 92.8 kg and today (friday) I weighed in at 91.7 kg.

Am going for 5 kilo weightloss. NO BS. THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta get out of the 90 kg. zone, i need to reach 88.8 kg (mini goal) and then next mini goal is 85.0 kg.

 Am back on track food and excersize wise- but most important- im back mentally.

See you under 90. kg!!!

What tha BLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!

Weighed in at 90.1 this morning and I have NO idea how come i gained a kilo- last week I weighed in at 89.1 and was thrilled!!!!!!

 What a bummer. I think I have been very good with my foodintake, I have been very active and biked to work, taken the stairs, cleaned my house for 10 hours straight yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO what the hell happened? Im SICK of these 90´s coming back to haunt me

Dont know what to do anymore. But I am hereby deciding that I am not going to weigh myself every morning, it´s too much pressure.

And just to give myself a pat on the back I will go workout today, I won´t let a stupid ugly number get in my way. It still feels like a battle I will never ever win Like I am meant to be FAT.

Argh- frustrations. Must work out. Kick ass.

It´s all mental.

Its 16 pm and I got the urge to weigh myself. An obsession? Perhaps- but can you blame me for recording every gram lost- evapourated into space?

 The weight showed 89.4 kg.    Something is working and I am sure it has something to do with my mental state.

You know- when you decide to do something, truly decide and focus, then it becomes just what you want it to be. Now, if I could just use this force regarding my love life then I would be the happiest woman ever lol.

Oh well- just had to blog this amazing historical moment in time!

What a morning! Geez!

Guess I shouldn´t have gone to bed at dark ´o rama! But i did You know how it is…

Anyhow- I had set the parking meter to 9:40 am- and well- I woke up at 10:am thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT! ha ha..

 Seriously i think I got my clothes on in less than 30 seconds- I am NOT joking. Luckily there was no parking ticket so I decided since I am out anyway I might as well go do some grocery shopping- and I did. (should be said that I live on the 5th floor with no elevator !)

Just got back and I am waiting for some dude to come read my radiators.  A moment ago I stood on the scale (dreading it as usual, but with a hint of adrenalin hehe).

Turns out I am now at 90.2 Kg- so that is not bad. 200 more grams and Bye Bye 90´s (again)! This will probably be a real mental boost to see the shift from 90´s to 80´s and Lord knows I need a mental boost if anything.

Sometimes I truly wonder: would I be a totally different person if I was slim/thin? Would I truly be happier?

I am starting to think this is just a big LIE and when I hit my goal weight I will probably just meet fall in love with a man who loves heavy women LOL!

When I look around, also in my inner friend circle, I see some nice pretty goodlooking people, but they also have so many insecurities. Sometimes I think they are alot more self-conscious than myself. Perhaps it has something to do with my weight problem/ issues having followed me since elementary school …. It is as if it HAS become a part of me, even if I like it or not.

When I dream, or think, or act – I often “think” like a slim person. I go on my daily life and manage NOT to think so much about my weight as – Thank Heavens- I DO have a very charming personality and a pretty face (i think so atleast).  But then someone will comment stuff like ” You have such a pretty face- now if you just lost the weight..” !

It´s a classic. They comment on my pretty face and then they become all ” awww- that´s a pity” as if- “you are so close to being GEORGEOUS, shame you are not”.

 Mostly it is absolute strangers that do this. When I was on vacation this summer- I was really down and the whole purpose of going on vacation was to think positive. So anyhow, in the hotel I wake up and my mom and I head down for breakfast- and it was like a big breakfast buffet with EVERYTHING- so keeping healthy was no problem.

My mom went to the table and as I got up to bring some eggs she asked me to bring her a choccolate croissant on my way back.

As I take my hand down to reach the croissant- a TOTAL stranger- another hotel guest actually- looks at me and makes the “no you realy shouldn´t”- sound and shakes his head.

I was in shock! THAT SO HURT! I went back to the table and the beautiful view of the beach was ruined for a few hours..

So I have met people like that ALL my life- and the worst part about them is that they catch you off guard. So unless you automatically get triggered and throw a fit- you are just bound to sit afterwards and think- WHY didn´t I just SMACK the shit out of him, or throw some hot scramble eggs on his head…

 Oh well- this is a very long post so I should wrap it up. Bottom line is- 800 grams down- 200 more grams and im in a new “era” lol.

Hug

M

January 1st 2008.

I am writing this in absolute tears.

What a beginning to the new year

 The past 6 months have been absolutely CRAP but I managed to survive a major depression, heart ache, dropping out from the university and feeling like the worst scum on earth………………….

 I checked my weight the other day in a LONG time.. I am at 91. Kg. That is more or less OK – i gained 3 kg. so its not the end of the world considering what I have been through.

My life since early age have revolved around my body- something I can´t just hide. I feel like so many people don´t understand what it feels like to be overweight. One walks around like a walking target, everybody can easily hurt with the smallest comment.

I am an expert at “not noticing” the comments, but I can tell you that inside my heart is exploding and it can just make me feel so utterly sad.

On top of that- I am single and have been single for a year! Not exactly a ego – boost.

BUT- instead of whining about it- somthing has got to be done. I managed to get rid of those 20 kilos- and now my new goal is to loose 5 kilos. Gotta keep it realistic.

So- I am back on my blog. I know I can do this.

M

87.5!!!

ADIOS 90´s!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep, weighed in at 88.8 kg this morning and I was definitely busting some moves of joy!

WOW, the mental boost of not having to see that nr 9 anymore!

 IM IN THE 80´s!!!!!!! (But was always more into the 70´s I must admit Before Xmas I am in the 70´s. New goal.

 ;) happy!

July 18th- weighed in at 90.1 – argh!!! So close…

Ok, since last weigh in i must admit i realy realy struggled. I got the flu, then I got my period and i had the most insane cravings of my life..

BUTTTT , the weekend i finally got back on track, i walked ALOT, and sorta had a party marathon , was out all those 3 days , only home to sleep n freshen up, so i didnt eat that much (cause i had lots of beers ) but i walked, biked and laughed alot.

 This morning i woke up at 6 and i just had to go and work out. First time in the fitness center. It was like, it felt so normal and i just was ripe. lol.

was amazing.

THEN, the highlight of this day… (drums)

Went up to my loft to bring down two pairs of pants that I bought 2-3 months ago. I bought them and couldnt fit them but it was my goal to fit them, and today….like a glove. Down to a size 16! And i was like..a size 20!!!!!!! They not only fit, they are perfect, they are not tight, they just fit!

And these are pants I could. not. button/zip!!!!!!!!!! Im extatic. Its amazing. I havent been a size 16 in a LAWNG time.

SO, i figured since i went to the fitness this morning and got that boost cause of the pants, then I will register the fitness club as a full member and head for the size 14.

Regarding the weight, i totaly want to leave the 90s, i been stuck in it for a long time and now that I am so close I just need the visual boost of 89.9.

It will be.

July 5th 2007. Been away but am back for a fresh start.

Lots of things have happened on a personal level and been kinda stuck. But im ready to take myself serious reg. weightloss and im back on the blog.

 Weighed in yesterday at 90.8 kilos and hopefully next week ill have left those 90s that i been stuck in the last 6 months.