What tha BLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!

Weighed in at 90.1 this morning and I have NO idea how come i gained a kilo- last week I weighed in at 89.1 and was thrilled!!!!!!

 What a bummer. I think I have been very good with my foodintake, I have been very active and biked to work, taken the stairs, cleaned my house for 10 hours straight yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO what the hell happened? Im SICK of these 90´s coming back to haunt me

Dont know what to do anymore. But I am hereby deciding that I am not going to weigh myself every morning, it´s too much pressure.

And just to give myself a pat on the back I will go workout today, I won´t let a stupid ugly number get in my way. It still feels like a battle I will never ever win Like I am meant to be FAT.

Argh- frustrations. Must work out. Kick ass.

It´s all mental.

Its 16 pm and I got the urge to weigh myself. An obsession? Perhaps- but can you blame me for recording every gram lost- evapourated into space?

 The weight showed 89.4 kg.    Something is working and I am sure it has something to do with my mental state.

You know- when you decide to do something, truly decide and focus, then it becomes just what you want it to be. Now, if I could just use this force regarding my love life then I would be the happiest woman ever lol.

Oh well- just had to blog this amazing historical moment in time!

Breakthrough-second time around!! :D

Wooo-hooo!!

 Sent the 90´s home this morning! Weighed in at 89.9 kg Finally.

The mini-goal is 85.0 kg. This is what I am focusing on. From experience I have learned that if I think too much about the greater goal, it becomes almost impossible. I find it much easier keeping the goals small, within reach and realistic.

When I reach 85.0 kg- then I will head for 80.0 kg. And trust me- it will be.

I am 27 yrs old- and I have not worn a dress since i was 13 years old. Oh and a bikini? What is that?

Sometimes I truly feel the mental baggage is heavier than the actual weight I am trying to loose…

Oh well- let´s keep an optimistic attitude- I CAN FUCKIN DO THIS!!! RIGHT!?????????????????

 Argh.

Am going to make me breakfast now , a healthy one! Then I gotta clean the kitchen and be off… Will think about the fact that I finally came below 89.9 kg again after so long. But this time I am not ever ever ever ever going back to weighing over 90 kg. Can you beleive (cause I can´t) that I weighed 110 kg? Insane.

Bambi on ice? Have I lost my mind?

Feeling a bit low on energy these last few days.

Had some nightshifts at work and they totally drained me. Foodwise I have been in control and I started biking to work instead of taking the bus. It´s a 15 -20 min bike ride so aprox. 30 min per day. Haven´t seen the inside of the gym due to the weird working hours.

 So last night I had a friend over for dinner and movies- I bought some crisps n diet coke and admit I munched on them.

My weight is a bit up n down as I need to get my period. This morning it said 90.1 kg. UGHH….100 grams from breakthrough. LOL! Insane huh. Who ever thought 100 grams would be such a big deal!!

On a positive note I would say that I am becoming at ease and in control of my water intake plus I am instinctively making good decisions when grocery shopping. Once I am “on that track” it makes everything SO much more easier as it´s one less thing I have to think about.

There is a fine line at this point, between surrendering to a depressive reflecting state of mind and looking forward. It is very easy for me to look at the past and then start to think about all kinds of weird shit.

My mother recently went abroad for a longer stay, and I miss her so much. Suddenly I feel quite alone- even when I am with friends.

As mentioned in an earlier post- I had a very intense past 6 months- and she was there with me and for me and now I am like Bambi on the ice.. Litteraly. It´s friggin cold and the snow has fallen..

I laugh sometimes when i think about my “problem”. That I tend to equate happiness to a different appearance than the one I have now. I hate marketing people!!!! Ironic they are all fat, balding bastards. Haha…sorry- just needed to vent..

The only good thing I can think about regarding this whole weightloss thing is that I seem to have a goal. On all other areas of my life- it seems a goal is lacking. It somehow brings peace to my heart knowing that I have stopped wishing for it to just happen, but finally realized that it IS possible and that it is up to me to make it happen… Some would say that was obvious- but sometimes the most simple things seem so tricky..

What a morning! Geez!

Guess I shouldn´t have gone to bed at dark ´o rama! But i did You know how it is…

Anyhow- I had set the parking meter to 9:40 am- and well- I woke up at 10:am thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! HOLY SHIT! ha ha..

 Seriously i think I got my clothes on in less than 30 seconds- I am NOT joking. Luckily there was no parking ticket so I decided since I am out anyway I might as well go do some grocery shopping- and I did. (should be said that I live on the 5th floor with no elevator !)

Just got back and I am waiting for some dude to come read my radiators.  A moment ago I stood on the scale (dreading it as usual, but with a hint of adrenalin hehe).

Turns out I am now at 90.2 Kg- so that is not bad. 200 more grams and Bye Bye 90´s (again)! This will probably be a real mental boost to see the shift from 90´s to 80´s and Lord knows I need a mental boost if anything.

Sometimes I truly wonder: would I be a totally different person if I was slim/thin? Would I truly be happier?

I am starting to think this is just a big LIE and when I hit my goal weight I will probably just meet fall in love with a man who loves heavy women LOL!

When I look around, also in my inner friend circle, I see some nice pretty goodlooking people, but they also have so many insecurities. Sometimes I think they are alot more self-conscious than myself. Perhaps it has something to do with my weight problem/ issues having followed me since elementary school …. It is as if it HAS become a part of me, even if I like it or not.

When I dream, or think, or act – I often “think” like a slim person. I go on my daily life and manage NOT to think so much about my weight as – Thank Heavens- I DO have a very charming personality and a pretty face (i think so atleast).  But then someone will comment stuff like ” You have such a pretty face- now if you just lost the weight..” !

It´s a classic. They comment on my pretty face and then they become all ” awww- that´s a pity” as if- “you are so close to being GEORGEOUS, shame you are not”.

 Mostly it is absolute strangers that do this. When I was on vacation this summer- I was really down and the whole purpose of going on vacation was to think positive. So anyhow, in the hotel I wake up and my mom and I head down for breakfast- and it was like a big breakfast buffet with EVERYTHING- so keeping healthy was no problem.

My mom went to the table and as I got up to bring some eggs she asked me to bring her a choccolate croissant on my way back.

As I take my hand down to reach the croissant- a TOTAL stranger- another hotel guest actually- looks at me and makes the “no you realy shouldn´t”- sound and shakes his head.

I was in shock! THAT SO HURT! I went back to the table and the beautiful view of the beach was ruined for a few hours..

So I have met people like that ALL my life- and the worst part about them is that they catch you off guard. So unless you automatically get triggered and throw a fit- you are just bound to sit afterwards and think- WHY didn´t I just SMACK the shit out of him, or throw some hot scramble eggs on his head…

 Oh well- this is a very long post so I should wrap it up. Bottom line is- 800 grams down- 200 more grams and im in a new “era” lol.

Hug

M

January 1st 2008.

I am writing this in absolute tears.

What a beginning to the new year

 The past 6 months have been absolutely CRAP but I managed to survive a major depression, heart ache, dropping out from the university and feeling like the worst scum on earth………………….

 I checked my weight the other day in a LONG time.. I am at 91. Kg. That is more or less OK – i gained 3 kg. so its not the end of the world considering what I have been through.

My life since early age have revolved around my body- something I can´t just hide. I feel like so many people don´t understand what it feels like to be overweight. One walks around like a walking target, everybody can easily hurt with the smallest comment.

I am an expert at “not noticing” the comments, but I can tell you that inside my heart is exploding and it can just make me feel so utterly sad.

On top of that- I am single and have been single for a year! Not exactly a ego – boost.

BUT- instead of whining about it- somthing has got to be done. I managed to get rid of those 20 kilos- and now my new goal is to loose 5 kilos. Gotta keep it realistic.

So- I am back on my blog. I know I can do this.

M