Why am I doing this?!

I need to stop weighing myself every single morning.

Problem is Im just too curious and well, it´s not realy helping when the scale goes in the wrong direction! This morning weighed in at 98,7 kilos   Friday i was 98,3 kilos so 400 grams is giving me a hard time.

Stupid, I know. I am eating as healthy as possible. I am drinking lots of water and manage somehow to move atleast 40 minutes per day.

Why is nothing happening!? Im stuck in the 98-99 kilos spectrum. I can´t seem to get past 98!

So I have been considering starting on some more routined exercize. I feel I am too heavy to run, and I am not a gym person at the moment… Only thing left is the local swimming pool but the mere thought of me in a swimsuit makes me shiver..

Nevertheless I do own one and I am quite the swimmer. Sooo…I just checked the opening hours and they open everyday at 0700 am. There shouldn´t be many people at that time huh? And kids are probably still asleap…

I love swimming once I am in the water. Its the time between the showers to the actual pool that I hate. Having to flash my big white fleshy thighs…UGH! I need to keep telling myself that I should not pay attention and just go! I am fat and I am doing something about it. I can´t do anything more than that. I can´t change over night and I can´t hide my body in a swimsuit.

I just realy feel the need to move my body some more and I am sure that my weight will be affected in the positive way. And I have to stop weighing myself every morning. Once a week should be enough.

Suddenly the road seems so long and lonely. I keep telling myself that I managed to drop 12 kilos and that I did a great job. But I want MORE! I want to be the one to say – i lost 20 kilos! That is a realy pretty number. Here I go again- focusing on numbers and all that. Years of practice folks!!!!!

I was watching Dr.Phil last night and there was a show about morbidly obese people. Obese didn´t cover it- they were MORBIDLY obese… wow, I felt so sorry for them cause even thought Im not morbidly obese, I still am waaaaaaaay overweight. This poor 14 year old girl was weighing no less than 190 kilos!! Her mom was working in a junkfood restaurent and she was eating away all the time. Burritos for breakfast etc.

Fat is scary! I admit I usualy want to loose weight because of appearance- but the health issue is also a big motivator.. Fat can cause so many diseases and I don´t know what. I wan´t to live a long healthy life- and an active one too.

I know happiness is not about loosing 30 kilos- but to me it will be about reaching my goals, doing something for ME that is good and healing.

Im slowly learning how to control my emotional eating patterns. For instance, last night i had ONE small piece of chocolate with my evening coffee. ANd I was realy in for another piece, but I told myself to wait and think about it. And I thought about it and let the craving be felt in my stomach… The fact that I actualy STOPPED and THINKED and DECIDED not to eat the extra piece of chocolate was realy fantastic. Earlier I would have popped it in my mouth as soon as the thought entered my brain. No stopping- just in with it.

It´s my new found tool- to aknowledge the craving, to stop and consider if I should or shouldn´t and then decide. Sometimes I decide YES, cause I am not going to cut out sweets or anything like that for the rest of my life. I just want to include them in my meal planning. I want to control it and not just eat it with no thought of tomorrow..

Anyhow- it´s 6 am and I should get some sleep. I woke up because I was sleeping realy bad..and then I weighed myself and was even more down.

It´s a fresh new day today. I will keep up with my healthy eating and go for a nice long walk later.

Everything will be ok I guess..